


any other heart

by 0222fm



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, Romance, high school / time travel au, no beta we live on edge, sadish with a kind of happy ending?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-16 20:48:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19325827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0222fm/pseuds/0222fm
Summary: sooyoung and jiwoo meet in unusual circumstances: sooyoung, a high school senior, and jiwoo, a time traveler.





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> heartbreak in four parts.  
> based off of a short from [“playlist”](https://youtu.be/NAoxhgFmKBw)
> 
>  
> 
> (this is my first time writing fic in 4ish years. i'm still shaking the dust out of my hands, so i hope it's worth a read -- enjoy!)

it wasn’t the first time she skipped her after school classes.  
these days, sooyoung can’t find it in herself to go. 

mid-october is stressful for high school seniors: the national college entrance exam was a few weeks away, graduation in february was closing in, and everyone was rushing to finalize what the rest of their lives would be like. yet for ha sooyoung, nothing is crashing down and nothing is at a standstill. the world is still functioning and it expects her to, too.

her shoes were off, socked toes free in the still warm seoul air, and she sat on the pyeongsang in the park a block away from her hagwon. an earbud was blasting a song from one of her favorite bands and the tteokbokki from the ministop down the road had heated up perfectly in the microwave, a rare occurrence. sooyoung ditched her extra math class this afternoon in favor for watching the sun set over the steel buildings. it was somewhat relaxing watching them shift from invading the clouds to substitute stars as day left and night came. 

she stabbed the last tteokbokki with her mini plastic fork intently, dousing it in the sauce that was left. her lungs let go of a sigh as she swallowed, a mix between satisfaction and annoyance. she kept the fork between her fingers as she leaned back against her palms, shoulders shrugging forward and her head leaning backwards, eyes closed. sooyoung -- just for a moment -- wished that the night would stop or that something extraordinary would happen, something that would wake her up from this dream of daily life and bring her somewhere where she could feel something. 

the sun had set and she had about an hour before her neighbor would be checking to see if she got home alright. a deep breath filled her with air once more, the fine dust not bothering her smoke-stained lungs. there was exactly one verse left in this song, and she promised herself that she'd be up by the end of it. 

she slipped her shoes on and stood up, pouring the leftover liquid from her dinner into the grass. thanks to korea's lack of public trash cans, sooyoung gathered her things and her trash and made her way back to the ministop (that was luckily on her way back home). 

she barely heard the bell rang as she stepped through the door, headphones blaring a song she wasn't paying attention to, backpack weighing heavy on her shoulders, and the red-stained tteokbokki container in hand. there were only a few people in the convenience store, but sooyoung still had to push her way past an older woman with thinning black hair and bangs before making it to the trash bin.

before leaving, sooyoung lingered in the isles and picked up a choco pie. she set her wallet on the counter and a few coins were handed over the clerk. she took her snack and change, leaving the fluorescent light of the convenience store and into the hazy beams of the street lamps. as soon as she stepped back outside, she peeled the chocolate treat out of it's vinyl wrapping and took a big bite. a little bit of bliss. 

then, reality. the realization that she had left her wallet on the counter back in the ministop came to her just as she reached the end of the block. but as she turned around, the woman from earlier was standing there, sooyoung's wallet gripped in a fist. "ha sooyoung," the woman spoke, lip tint fading at the edges of her mouth. sooyoung took her earbuds out, wondering if the woman really had said her name or not. then the woman's hand extended to pass the wallet back to its owner. as sooyoung reached for it, the tips of their fingers brushed for a moment. "ha sooyoung," she said again. "i''m kim jiwoo. your daughter. from the future." 

she hesitated then spoke a quick 'thank you' but the eye contact was suffocating, so sooyoung turned away, not knowing what to say so she said nothing at all. she hadn't seen this lady until five minutes ago and there was no way that she was her daughter. her legs began walking at a brisk pace and she kept her earbuds out. she was able to hear the woman's footsteps behind her growing quicker and getting closer. then, she felt a hand on her shoulder. 

"mom--" 

"lady, don't touch me." the woman didn't seem surprised, almost like she was expecting this response. 

sooyoung wormed away from the woman's touch, and the woman's fingers lingered in the air where sooyoung's shoulder used to be. "i know you don't believe me," she let her hand fall, thumb tucking itself into the strap of her shoulder bag. "but i can prove it to you, i really can." the woman took a step forward as sooyoung took a step back, "tomorrow is october 16th. there will be a car accident near your school and the vice principal will fall and break her elbow. there will also be a pop quiz in math. multiple choice: A A B C A D B A D D." there was desperation in this woman's eyes, "i know -- i know you don't believe me yet, but after tomorrow i need you to trust me." 

sooyoung gripped the straps of her backpack, taking a few quick steps backwards. this woman -- who called herself 'kim jiwoo' -- must have been one of those people in cults that try to lure people into giving them money or part of a human trafficking ring or something. time travel doesn't exist, and sooyoung doesn't plan on having kids at all. it is completely improbable. "i've got to go, lady," her steps quicken and she turns around, thinking of different ways she could get home without the woman following her. 

"wait--" sooyoung could hear the woman say, but she wasn't stopping to listen and the woman wasn't coming after her. "i'm here to help--" 

that night sooyoung took alleyway after alleyway and turn after turn to try and lose anyone that may have been following her. she had even stopped inside of a local grocery store in hopes of scaring off anyone who was. she made it home a little later than normal, thanks to her detours, but there was no sign of the woman called jiwoo or anyone else. 

the next day came with ease and sooyoung took the bus to school. just on the odd chance there was a car accident, she didn't want to be walking. her headphones were in and her backpack was on her thighs, head resting against the window and bumping every so often. 

if this woman really was her child from the future, why did she come back to see her? wasn't the first rule of time travel 'don't change the past' or something like that? but what if that was the only choice, like the future is filled with famine and the earth is finally dying and sooyoung is the only one to stop it, maybe saving the planet is her purpose and jiwoo came back in time just to tell her and-- sooyoung brought herself out of her train of thought, her stop was next.

she kept her backpack in front of her as she got off the bus and took out her phone out to scroll through twitter one last time before having to turn in her phone for the day. the walk to the school gate wasn't far away (luckily the bus stopped in front of her school) and sooyoung knew the path by heart, not needing to look up at all as she walked. sooyoung had made a tweet the night before about the creepy woman jiwoo finding her and pretending to be from the future. a few of her online friends had reached out to ask if she was alright or needed to talk and she still hadn't replied to them. just as she was about to, though, she heard tires screech and a scream. 

a lot of the students who were just entering the gate turned around and quickly went over to the accident, so it was hard for sooyoung to get a peek at what had happened. through listening to the murmurs, she learned that the vice principal had gotten hit by a car and someone had already called an ambulance. 

sooyoung didn't wait any longer at the scene and quickly went inside to sit at her desk. this was just a coincidence. it had to be. she didn't want to believe this woman ‘from the future’ just yet. she'd wait until after second period to let herself be swayed. if there was a pop quiz in math, then perhaps she'd entertain the idea of time travel. 

“soo, what’s up?” jo haseul, a girl sooyoung had gone to elementary, middle, and now high school with perched herself at the edge of her desk. “tired or something?” haseul was chewing on a gummy bear and offered the bag up to sooyoung. she didn’t hesitate to grab a few and pop them all into her mouth at once. 

“or something.” 

“and that something is…?” the bell rang, signaling the beginning of first period, history. sooyoung reached into the bag of gummy bears again, taking a few to hold her over while trying not to fall asleep in mrs. lee’s boring lecture. “i’ll tell you next break.” 

it was almost immediately as class started that sooyoung gazed out the window, her pencil tapping her lower lip. from her desk, she had a perfect view of the school’s front gate. there wasn’t any real logical explanation for how or why this jiwoo person knew the vice principal of her school was going to get into a car accident, specifically on this morning, but she came up with some. sooyoung had sat and contemplated the consequences of it last night. there were a few options: if this prediction became true, jiwoo was either from the future, could tell the future, had hired someone to hit the vice principal, or knew of someone who was going to hit the vice principal; if it didn’t happen, then she’d need to request a restraining order. if the pop quiz in math came true, there was even an (almost) logical explanation for that, too: jiwoo must have received information on the inside or was friends with her teacher. either jiwoo was telling the truth -- that she was her time-traveling daughter-- or this was an elaborate plot to swindle sooyoung into something she probably didn’t want to do. sooyoung didn’t know of any other explanation.

after what seemed like an eternity of fake-writing notes and scribbling down some dates that she’d have to look up again later, the bell rang again. both sooyoung and haseul stood up from their desks and went out into the hall, finding a quieter space to talk. 

“so?” haseul leaned against the wall, arms crossed and hair tucked behind her ears. 

there wasn’t any hesitation from sooyoung, there was no point, “i ditched my after school classes again, right? i was going home and there was some weird lady that said she was my daughter,” sooyoung crossed her arms, too, copying haseul’s posture. 

haseul’s expression wasn’t that hard to read: sooyoung had known her long enough to know when the shorter girl licked her teeth and cocked an eyebrow, she didn’t believe a word that was being said. “you have a daughter and didn’t tell me? classic.” 

“i’m being serious -- this lady said that she was my daughter. she was, like, close to my mom’s age. she said she was from the future.” 

“i think i’m more shocked that you’d have kids.” 

“she said that the vice principle was going to get into an accident this morning." 

haseul’s face changed -- she was listening now, “how would she know that?” 

“i literally don’t know,” it was a question she had been asking herself ever since it happened this morning. “she also said that we have a pop quiz in math, multiple choice.” 

“well, did future lady tell you the answers?” 

“first two are A, last two are D. that’s all i remember. but this is serious,” the hint of fear was audible in sooyoung’s voice. “what do you think she wants from me?” 

the bell rang and all the students lounging in the hallway began running back to class, sooyoung and haseul included. “if you see her again, ask.”

both girls entered the classroom a good thirty seconds before the teacher did, just enough time to sit down and take out their math books. forty minutes went passed without a trace of a pop quiz. for once, sooyoung found herself paying attention, waiting to hear the words from her teacher’s mouth.

with only ten minutes left in class, and as if each syllable was spoken in slow motion, the teacher announced a pop quiz. multiple choice. sooyoung and haseul looked at each other then started answering the questions. 

the rest of the day was exactly how she expected it, only now she had haseul to theorize with. 

haseul wanted to make a list of questions to ask jiwoo about the future, mostly questions about herself: what kind of person did she marry, what she did in university, was she rich, beautiful, still friends with sooyoung. all sooyoung wanted to know is why jiwoo came back and what she wanted. 

the final bell had rung and school was over. haseul, like almost every other person in their grade, went to eat dinner before her after school classes. sooyoung, however, started walking home. 

it’s a twelve minute bus ride but a thirty minute walk. jiwoo would find her, sooyoung knew it was coming. walking just made it easier. 

she was almost home when it happened, legs moving down a side street and just as she turned the corner, jiwoo was sitting on a bench in front of a small park. sooyoung stopped and sat down next to her. 

“are you ready to listen to me?” 

sooyoung nodded. 


	2. part two

jiwoo couldn't look sooyoung in the eyes. she kept her hands on her bag in her lap and her eyes on the sidewalk in front of her. this was a much different woman than the pushy jiwoo sooyoung remembered from a few days ago. 

a breeze came through, rusting leaves and pushing a few strands of hair out of the woman's face. there was a pause, just long enough to make sooyoung wonder if this was just as hard for jiwoo to come to terms with as it was for her. 

"i'm here to help," the woman finally spoke. 

sooyoung crossed her legs and arms, holding onto every shred of skepticism that she could, "help with what?" 

"i just want to know you're happy," the words were audible, but under her breath. 

the older woman finally turned to look at sooyoung, emotion shifting upward, "i know, it's weird, but you have to trust me." jiwoo adjusted the large bracelet on her wrist and unfolded a piece of paper that was hidden in her palm. on it was a short list. "here are your future self's regrets. one: not going to college. two: not confessing your love in high school." 

the paper was held close in front of sooyoung’s face, the handwriting a little sloppy but perfectly matching the woman in front of her, "you came back in time just for this?"

"you don't understand," the piece of paper was crumpled slightly as jiwoo flopped her hand back in her lap. "this is really important. you're miserable in the future. i'm basically the best thing in your life and that, well, let's face it. that's just sad." 

the older woman stood, long floral dress fluttering against her skin and a dark jean jacket seemingly swallowing her whole, "we have one month to get you ready for the college entrance exam and four months to get you to confess to your high school sweetheart." 

"i don't have a high school sweetheart." 

jiwoo looked down at sooyoung, eyes scanning her, "we have a lot of work to do." 

the next few hours consisted of jiwoo talking and sooyoung listening. she spoke about how, after high school, sooyoung went to work at an art store a few neighborhoods over and how that was her life until getting married to someone that couldn't make her happy. she talked about how sooyoung moved around from place to place with this person, not in search of something better, but running from all the things that tore her down. she told sooyoung how she came into her life -- adoption. she recalled all of the great memories she made growing up, but how when she became an age where she could finally understand sooyoung's emotions, that she could tell something was gnawing at her mother: something nibbling at her flesh, slowly eating her away.  jiwoo confessed on how she came across an old journal that belonged to a twenty-three year-old sooyoung and how she read it without hesitation. the pages consisted of sooyoung's dreams and regrets and jiwoo wanted to right all the wrongs in her mother's life. sooyoung had given so much to her, she wanted to give as much as she could back. 

the pair had walked, snacked, and found a secluded area near the han river where the conversation switched from regrets of the future to dreams of the here and now.

"i know i don't look the part, but i'm a pretty decent engineer in my time," their backsides were sore from resting against concrete for so long. "i could've been promoted to the head engineer at the company i worked at if i held out long enough." 

sooyoung had dumped the remaining crumbs of a bag of chips into her palm and then into her mouth, "what do you mean 'could've'?" 

"i found another dream, someone that i love," the warmth from jiwoo's smile was infectious. "i think you would like them a lot, too, if you knew them like i do." 

jiwoo's knees cracked as she lifted herself off of the ground, forcing herself to keep talking. sooyoung didn't need to ask any more questions, "you have all the time in the future to get to know me. right now, we need to fix your fate." 

"and how exactly are we going to do that?" sooyoung stood, too, brushing the kinks out of her school uniform. 

the older woman smiled, "just listen to me and in a few weeks, you'll be ready for the entrance exam." 

it was as if jiwoo had spent months planning this whole ordeal. she told sooyoung what to study, when to study, and what was going to be on tests. jiwoo gave sooyoung a burner phone with one number in it and would check in every day via text or call, and visit in person at least twice a week to make sure sooyoung was doing what she was told. 

two weeks had gone by and sooyoung's grades had already improved, her homeroom teacher no longer giving her lectures after school on how important it was to pay attention in class.  although it was still a long shot for sooyoung to pass the college entrance exam with a score that could get her into the likes of seoul national university or ewha womans university, she was getting better day by day. it was working. listening to jiwoo was working. 

there was only one more week left before the exam, and sooyoung was more nervous than she’d ever been for a test. she had been memorizing question after question, answer after answer. if she didn’t get at least a decent score on this exam, there would really be no hope for her (and all of jiwoo’s hard work would have been for nothing). at least she found solace in haseul, who was only a little better off than she was.

“you think she’d be mad if she found out you were telling me what she was telling you?” haseul shoved a clump of rice into her mouth. the day’s school lunch wasn’t particularly delicious, but still edible. 

sooyoung delicately filled her spoon with rice, kimchi, and a bit of meat before scooping a bit of her soup, “i mean, if she knows the answers to the tests, she probably knows that i’m telling you. she hasn’t said anything to me about it, so i think we’re good.” 

“point taken,” haseul slurped up a noodle. “oh, by the way,” -- her mouth was still full as she spoke -- “we’re still on to go out to eat after the exam, right? meeting up on saturday?”

“yeah, i’m always down for barbecue,” it was a tradition at this point. after every important exam since middle school, sooyoung and haseul had gone out to eat at a new restaurant. sometimes they’d discover some new cuisine or try a fresh take on a classic. this time they had scouted out a newly opened barbeque place that boasted about it’s all-you-can-eat cheesy combos. practically the whole city of seoul was trying to get a taste of their food. 

then, it came: november 12th, the college entrance exam. she hadn’t been sleeping or eating properly in weeks all in favor for studying for that test, but she would be lying to say that it was easy or that she knew exactly what she was doing. she didn’t, but she finished. it was more than what she would have done without jiwoo there to guide her. 

the day after the exam, jiwoo started to walk her home before taking a detour back to the han river. they found a bench and stayed out late that night, talking.  

"correcting regret number one is practically over, you just need to apply to a college after your results come back," jiwoo spoke -- labored -- and sooyoung looked over at her, the first time she realized just how pale the woman's skin looked and how deep her dark circles went. 

jiwoo could feel the other's eyes and glanced back at sooyoung, beginning to ramble, "time travel takes a real toll on your body. a few years ago, there was a breakthrough with the science of it all and now in my time, trials are being run. they don't know what the effects are just yet, but i know of one for sure: exhaustion. doesn't seem like anything too serious, though."

sooyoung could barely keep her eyes open in physics, let alone understand all of the complexities of time travel, "it's so weird that in going back in time will be possible not too far from now." she crossed her ankles, palms holding herself up. the setting sun made the water glitter with specks of cracking buildings, "you think i'd be able to get into a trail, too? seems cool to be a time traveler."

"you only get chosen to participate in the trial if you're really up for it and have a good cause."

"whoever decides the 'cause' thought helping your mom get into college was good enough?" 

"yeah, i didn't ask why. no point in asking when they already approved it, right?" 

sooyoung nodded in agreement then forgot about it, moving onto the next subject.

she didn't get home until around 10 pm that night; one moment it was 4:30 and she was leaving school and meeting jiwoo, the next her mom had called and asked why she wasn't home yet. in an hour she was asleep, and in what seemed like minutes, she was awake again and on her way to meet haseul for their lunch date. 

'i'll be there in 10' was the last thing sooyoung texted to haseul before she fell asleep. that was an hour ago. 

sooyoung woke up to thirty different kakao messages and five phone calls, all from haseul. they were supposed to meet at the barbecue restaurant as soon as it opened at 11. it was now after 12 and sooyoung was still on the subway, only on the other side of seoul.

she called haseul back as soon as she figured out where she was.

"look, i'm so sorry, i--" 

"it's whatever. i'm already sitting down. they've been giving everyone only an hour and a half to eat," sooyoung could hear a piece of meat go into haseul's mouth from over the phone. "something about how all-you-can eat would turn into all-you-can-eat-all-day if they didn't put a time limit, blah blah. i got in around 11:20. where are you?"

"i'm at danggogae station," sooyoung braced herself. 

"that's literally an hour away. 11:20 plus an hour and a half is like 12:50, you can do that math, right?" 

sooyoung shrunk in her seat, speaking softly even though she was the only one in the subway car, "i know, i know, i'm sorry."

there was only chewing on the other end before haseul spoke again, "i'm hanging up." 

not even five seconds later, haseul video called sooyoung, who quickly rushed to put on her headphones. 

"since you involuntarily ditched me, i'll voluntarily torture you: look,"  haseul switched the camera around, showing the variety of sizzling meat on the griddle, the cheeses bubbling in special metal containers, and vegetables soaking up all of the flavor. sooyoung could see a pair of chopsticks go in for a perfectly cooked piece of beef, then watched it twirl inside of a bowl of cheese -- the strands never-ending as haseul pulled the meat out of the bowl. the camera was switched, a close up on haseul's face with the gooey mess, just as she put it into her mouth. 

"i had to order two portions of meat, you know. and i'm going to eat it all by myself while you starve on your subway-ride-of-shame back home," she held the camera a little farther from her face, enough so where other people were showing up in the background. 

sooyoung quickly took a screenshot. "are there other students there?" 

"no 'wow, haseul, i'm such an idiot for missing my stop'?" she scoffed. "but, i guess so," haseul wasn't looking at the camera, she was too busy preparing her next bite. "i think middle schoolers, though. those are the only freaks that would wear their school uniform on a saturday to a barbecue place."

"i--," sooyoung was second guessing her eyes. she took another screenshot, "i'll call you right back." she to hang up, to check if what she was seeing was real. 

as soon as the phone call ended, she went to her screenshots and zoomed in on the clearest photo; a girl with cute bangs, reddish hair, and a huge smile was carrying cups of water back to her table. she was wearing a school uniform -- a rival high school a few neighborhoods away -- and sooyoung could see her name tag clearly: kim jiwoo.   

the phone began to shake, her hand not being able to stay still. 

it was jiwoo. a younger, brighter version of the jiwoo sooyoung had met a month prior. a jiwoo more alive and vibrant than sooyoung had ever seen. and she was meters away from haseul while sooyoung had kilometers to go until she was in the same vicinity. 

sooyoung quickly dialed haseul back, "don't turn around. she's there." 


	3. part three

the thick, faux-leather chair was sticking her her body, the smell of doctor offices always sterile. her hand -- which was laced with another's -- was damp. if it would have been just a phone call, everything could have been fine. when the nurse asked for them to come in for the test results, that's when jiwoo knew.

"-- so sorry," -- the voice was mixing with the sound of her blood pulsing -- "advanced --" she could see, but wasn't seeing anything; she could feel, but only someone holding her hand, "-- comfortable."

jiwoo knew the person beside her was asking the doctor questions, but her attention was elsewhere: on how this happened, on why it happened, on what she was going to do, on what sooyoung was going to do.

on march 18th, jiwoo went to get testing done for severe, persistent migraines. on march 26th, 2030, jiwoo was diagnosed with an advanced, grade four glioblastoma: a cancerous brain tumor that had, with her luck, metastasized to other parts of her body. it was rare, it was aggressive, and there was very little to be done.

a familiar voice began to speak, "there are trials currently being conducted, correct? i'm assuming this field has advanced quite a lot over the past few years, from what i've seen on the news." jiwoo looked over at sooyoung who was holding her hand tight while speaking. the two had been, unofficially, together since 2016 and had been planning to grow old together since 2024.

the neuro-oncologist put down his pen, stating something along the lines of 'yes, but nothing that would work for sure' and jiwoo didn't want to be here anymore. she wanted to go. she wanted to leave. she wanted to get out of that chair and office and building and run to the nearest mountain and scream.

sooyoung asked more questions about trials, treatments, and other options while jotting down notes; jiwoo put her head in her hand, trying not to listen.

"there has to be something," they had just gotten home to their two bedroom apartment near jiwoo's office job. sooyoung had driven them both home while rambling to an inattentive spouse about 'second opinions' and 'more tests', and she wasn't stopping just because they walked into the door. "you know, i watched this medical nightmare documentary awhile ago where some man had cancer, but it turns out the scans were just wrong. we could get more imaging done -- that could be something, the doctors could be wrong."

"so, my blood work, two specialists, and four different scans were all wrong, coincidentally?"

"we need to try," sooyoung held onto the shorter woman's shoulders. "it doesn't hurt."

but it does. it's not just pain that hurts; hope hurts, too.

jiwoo left sooyoung's touch, taking a few steps to their second-hand sofa and sitting in her spot, "i think i just want to process it all first before making decisions."

"jiwoo," a slightly aggravated voice surged and then was tailored back as soon as it was released. "jiwoo," sooyoung followed her to the couch, sitting beside her. "there is no time to process this. it's aggressive, so we need to be, too."

"i know," her chest sank, as if everything they've been through and everything they've been planning to do together was now all for nothing. her mind was jumping from place to place, from 'what ifs' to regrets to how to make things right again. if not for her, for sooyoung.

sooyoung wrapped her arms around the other, fingers gentle as they slid through jiwoo's hair, "even if I--"

"-- even if you had any other heart, you'd love me all the same," jiwoo had heard before: when sooyoung first confessed, when reciting their vows, and during times like these.

"you don't get to do this alone," sooyoung let jiwoo rest her head on her chest, hand grasping her and not letting go. "i'm right here and always will be."

two months went by and jiwoo was getting worse. she listened to sooyoung and let her drag her to appointments for second, third, fourth, and fifth opinions, all of which were the same. she started oral chemotherapy, was preparing for stereotactic radiosurgery, began taking anti-seizure medication, and tried doing home remedies (a gallon of carrot juice a day; putting essential oils on the roof of her mouth; eating celery for breakfast, lunch, and dinner; they've tried it all). sooyoung wasn't giving up.

the majority of the lights were off in their apartment, the blue haze from the city creeping in and flashes from an unwatched television danced against the walls as jiwoo was cleaning up from their early dinner. she goes to bed early these days.

"wow, dad! where are we going?" a child's scripted voice came through the television speakers. the make-believe father responded in almost an identical robotic voice, "we're traveling to the early 2000s!"

jiwoo didn't give much attention to the commercial, only catching the company name and snippets of the fast-paced announcement ("travel back… sight see… applications open june first!"). she dried her hands and began making her way to the bedroom, looking for sooyoung.

the door was shut and a muffled voice came through, jiwoo pasting her ear against the wood to listen. it was sooyoung. she was crying.

"i don't know what to do-- i really don't know what to do," it was the first time in a long time jiwoo had heard her love talk like that. "-- we keep trying and trying, but i can't do anything for her--"

jiwoo walked back into the living room to sit on the couch and pretend as if she never heard the other's words; sooyoung had been keeping such a strong front -- she always does -- and jiwoo didn't want to take her ‘strength’ away by confronting her. the commercial from earlier was on again. repetitive ads became one of jiwoo’s biggest pet peeves over the years, and she was ready to switch the channel.

then, she got an idea.

“mrs. kim jiwoo, mrs. kim jiwoo, dr. park is ready to see you now,” a receptionist called her name. she had been sitting in a room with around seven other individuals all waiting for the same interview: to see if she was eligible to be in a time-travel trial. she had the idea a week ago and immediately signed up when it opened. jiwoo had passed the initial test to see if she was mentally fit to try something as extreme as this.

time-travel wasn’t safe, at least not yet. scientists had successfully completed it with mice and larger mammals (like goats and even cows, although PETA wasn’t happy). however, it had only been tried with a handful of humans, most of which did not turn out as well as it could have. some individuals came back, but weren’t the same person mentally, and others didn’t come back at all. the majority of the side effects were not clear just yet, but one thing jiwoo knew for sure was that her health couldn’t get any worse than it was right now.

“i understand that you would like to be a participant in the time-travel trials,” dr. park, one of the leading researchers in this field, along with a panel of other doctors, was sitting at a desk. in front of them was jiwoo, alone, with her bag straps held tight. “you have…” her voice dialed off as she flipped through papers. “you have, presumably, fatal brain cancer, is that correct?”

“yes.”

"what makes you think you are fit, physically and emotionally, to do this trial?" it was a question jiwoo had been trying to conjure an answer up to all week. she was not physically fit: her skin was graying, her hair was thinning, the shadows on her face were growing. she was dying.

she cleared her throat and straightened her back, “i think you can learn a lot from sending me to the past.” jiwoo let go of her bag and stretched her hands, pulling a strand of hair behind her ear. she went on, convincingly, to talk about how other individuals have lives in the future while her life is mostly in the past. with other candidates, the scientists would have to take many precautions in getting them back safely, or else -- no matter the forms signed, rights waived, or families persuaded -- controversy may arise. with jiwoo, her death was creeping up to her: latching itself to the edge of her spine and sliding up her vertebrate, slowly choking the life out of her day by day. if she could help science, she’d have no regrets, no matter the cost. jiwoo made sure to make no mention of sooyoung.

jiwoo left the panel's office with signed consent forms, waivers, and all the necessary documents. she turned it in at the front desk and began orientation a week later.

“we want to reiterate points made clear throughout this process: time travel is not safe, and you will not return to this timeline if you make any alterations,” she sat in a room with two other chosen participants listening to the final bits of the time-travel trial’s orientation. they’ve repeated this on end, “although it is tempting, we urge you to keep your distance from people that may recognize you. changing the past could have unfathomable consequences to the future, including putting this research at risk.”

they made it sound as if stepping on the wrong ant at a park would speed up global warming and start a world-wide famine. changing the past to make the future brighter isn’t inherently a bad thing, at least to jiwoo.

she picked at her nail beds while keeping her eyes on the powerpoint before her. after the three hour lecture, the staff passed out bracelets that allowed the individuals to transport themselves to any time they wanted. they were advised to only travel five times at maximum, and if they felt any effects that could possibly be from traveling, they should immediately return to the present time.

the bracelet was chunky and resembled an analog watch. bright blue numbers would flash on the screen with a press of a button, and dialing the time was only a few other presses away. the bracelet could only be activated during the participant’s travel-time and if the designated user was wearing it (jiwoo didn’t listen on how or why; she had studied civil engineering in university, not mechanical or electronic).

once the bracelets were distributed, they were each given their travel time. jiwoo had another week to prepare and to say goodbye to sooyoung. she didn’t need any more time to think about how she was going to execute her plan; she had it all worked out in about two hours after she had the initial idea.

she thought about how sooyoung was when she first met her: working at hottracks -- an art, music, electronic, hobby, and knick-knack store -- by jiwoo’s high school. sooyoung was only one year older than her, but there was something so deep within her eyes, jiwoo often found herself asking pointless questions just to hear sooyoung speak. at first, she’d only go to hottracks for her obsession with constructing miniature houses, then it turned to her obsession with ‘the cute girl who worked there, whose name is also sooyoung’. they eventually became friends, and after jiwoo graduated high school, they became best friends.

sooyoung didn’t attend college, she said it ‘wasn’t her thing’ and that a university wouldn’t want someone like her at their school. but jiwoo knew it was eating at her: sooyoung would listen to jiwoo’s stories about all of the interesting people she had met from all over korea and all over the world, how there were clubs and organizations and information at the tips of her fingers she would have never known if it wasn’t for her school. sooyoung would follow jiwoo to her university’s festivals and try to keep up with her ‘second life’, but it wasn’t the same.

jiwoo knew that sooyoung grew up only with her mother, and that sooyoung’s mom had to work multiple jobs just to keep their one-room apartment theirs. she knew that sooyoung cared less about school than she did about tomatoes (and she hated tomatoes), and she knew that sooyoung smoked and drank all throughout high school, not to rebel but just to relax. she knew sooyoung’s teachers had given up on her, and that sooyoung had given up on herself. eventually, she opened up to jiwoo -- more than she had before -- and talked about the emptiness inside of her, the kind of agitated nothingness that haunted the hallows of her bones, and how jiwoo was slowly, yet surely, filling that space. she also told jiwoo that she thought she loved her, and from there their story began.

thinking back, if jiwoo could get sooyoung into a university -- any university -- her past could be mended and her future wouldn’t be stuck in a dead-end job. and, if she could distract sooyoung with love, her eyes would never land on jiwoo. she’d use sooyoung’s best friend, haseul, as bait, but knew it was a long shot. according to sooyoung, haseul didn’t discover her love for women (or, more specifically, a woman named ‘viian wong’), until her third year of university while she was studying abroad in hong kong. jiwoo would come up with other solutions if necessary while in the past. the most important part of her covert mission was to make sure her life and sooyoung’s never intersected.

she’d disguise herself as the least attractive, but plausible, option: sooyoung’s future daughter. jiwoo would travel first to late december of 2015, to gather information on events and test answers and everything she’d need to know to get the past’s sooyoung to trust her. then, she’d go to october, 2015 and start changing the future.

“it’s just a week, i won’t be gone for long,” jiwoo was packing whatever clothes could fit in her suitcase full of pills. “i haven’t seen my parents since my diagnosis and they keep bugging me to visit, i need to.”

“i know,” sooyoung was sitting on their bed, shirt scrunched up and hair slightly damp from a shower she just took. “it’s just a long time.”

“i’ll be back before you know it,” she zipped up the suitcase and stood, leaning in to kiss sooyoung on her forehead, and pretending this wasn’t the last time she’d see the woman she had loved for over ten years.

she was out of the door, suitcase in tow, and she couldn’t turn back. she couldn’t stay and she couldn’t say goodbye the way she wanted to. if sooyoung found out about what she was about to do, it would never happen -- sooyoung had done so much to keep jiwoo alive and in her life, that if she knew jiwoo was going to make it so they never met, she’d stop it right away.

jiwoo dabbed her wet eyes in the elevator, in the cab to the time-travel trial headquarters, and in the moments before being transported back to december of 2015.

she jumped in time several times; messing up meeting sooyoung, not gaining her trust, studying the answers to tests and schedules for pop quizzes, and just wanting to relive certain moments from a distance.

and then,

“ha sooyoung,” she had the past’s sooyoung’s wallet in her hand for the third time. she was already out of breath, praying this timeline would be different. “ha sooyoung, I’m kim jiwoo. your daughter. from the future.” 


	4. part four

sooyoung was waiting in the park -- the one she often met jiwoo in -- and the sun had already set. she was unsure of just how long she had sat there (perhaps an hour or two), but she had only gathered the courage to message the woman with thin hair and gray skin about twenty minutes ago. sooyoung had asked her to meet.

earlier, on the train ride back to her piece of seoul, sooyoung and haseul debated on what to do. in the past month, both of them had developed a fondness for jiwoo and learned to trust her. she had given them correct answers to tests, told them when pop quizzes where going to happen, and had insight on the future that both of them wanted to know, holding on to every word. but the facts before them led them to one conclusion: jiwoo was lying. it was just how much of it was a lie that left sooyoung on edge. 

this woman knew so much about her and her life, but the more sooyoung thought about it, she barely knew anything about jiwoo. she knew that jiwoo was in her future self's life somehow, that jiwoo studied engineering, and she knew that jiwoo fell in love, but she couldn't tell if anything else was real or fake. what sooyoung wanted to understand the most, though, was why jiwoo had to lie in the first place. 

she could see the figure of the woman in the distance, slow at walking over to where they always sat. the past month, if the weather was decent, they'd meet in the park they had their first real conversation at. it was secluded enough to where only a few of the elderly came by to exercise, nothing more. sometimes they would move to the han river or into one of the hundreds of coffee shops in the area, but it would always start at the park. 

"you're here already?" the woman said, slightly out of breath as she sat down. usually it was jiwoo waiting for sooyoung, not the other way around. "why'd you want to meet? we weren't supposed to until a few days from now. everything alright?" 

there was no 'hello' from sooyoung and no answer to jiwoo's questions, instead she gripped her phone in her lap and kept her eyes on the ground. she had gone over what to say since before she reached this bench, but nothing seemed right now that jiwoo was sitting next to her. sooyoung's lips spat out the first thing that came to mind:

"are you really from the future?" 

jiwoo shifted in her seat. there were an abundance of things she was thinking that would come from sooyoung, but that wasn't one of them. "what do you mean?"

"prove to me that i'm your daughter." sooyoung's words were stiff, cutting through the chilling air in tiny puffs of condensed breath. 

the other straightened her back, turning to face the younger girl as she sat on the edge of the bench, trying to get sooyoung to acknowledge the bond they had formed. "i told you already -- i am your daughter. how am i supposed to prove it?"  what had changed from yesterday to day, jiwoo wanted to know. the sooyoung she knew was never this unpredictable. 

"how old am i in your time?" sooyoung spat the words out in quick fire. 

"fifty-seven." 

"how old are you?" 

"thirty-one."

"when did i adopt you?"

"i told you. ten years from now, 2025." 

"when were you born?"

"2023." 

jiwoo wasn't breaking. it was as if she had rehearsed for weeks on end or even believed it herself. there was no hesitation, no break in flow, no time to think: she just answered. 

yet sooyoung wasn't breaking, either. she held out her phone, a screenshot she took earlier shown on the screen. the younger kim jiwoo's face was clearly shown in the picture -- there was no denying it was her. there was no excuse plausible enough to deny the resemblance. sooyoung handed the phone to jiwoo without looking at her, "who is this?" 

"i don't know -- why would i know?" jiwoo quickly passed the phone back, eyes wide in the dim streetlight. she moved back in her seat: sooyoung knew.  

"this is kim jiwoo from daewon girl's high school." sooyoung pulled up facebook, the app already on the profile. "it says here that kim jiwoo was born in 1999. she has a lot of public photos of her at science fairs and camps, too. all for engineering." sooyoung scrolled through the timeline, making sure the woman sitting next to her could see. 

jiwoo's hands turned into fists, holding the end of her coat. she wanted to say something -- anything -- but no words would form. 

once she scrolled through all the public photos, sooyoung slid her phone back into her jacket's pocket and kept her hand in there, "it's hard to believe that it's all just a coincidence. you know, the name, the profile, the similar physical features." she still hadn't made eye contact -- she was staring vacantly out into the park, watching shadows from small animals and trash blowing in the mid-november air. 

"tell me the truth, jiwoo. who are you?"   


jiwoo could feel it -- the voice void of trust -- and never thought she'd have to embrace words so cold from someone like sooyoung. 

she took a deep breath and, "not everything i said was a lie." she spoke while she watched a leaf fall from a tree above and land on the path to the bench.

sooyoung's jacket rustled as she looked toward jiwoo, not expecting her to admit her faults so easily.

"you are miserable, that's not a lie," jiwoo's eyes were still wide, jacket still gripped by her fists. she was doing everything she could to stay together. there were many situations that she had prepared for in the time between signing up for the time-travel trials and meeting the past's sooyoung, but she never thought she'd need to prepare for this moment. "and i am from the future. that's not a lie, either." 

"but i'm not your mother, am i?" it wasn't disappointment in sooyoung's voice, but it wasn't relief either. she took her hands out of her pockets and crossed her arms. the answer had been obvious since her discovery this afternoon, and looking back, she should have been skeptical since the beginning. 

"no, you're not."

"then who are you?" she spoke and jiwoo listened, the two facing each other, "who is she?" sooyoung's eyes were just like her words: vacant, yet desperate. it was something within sooyoung that jiwoo knew existed, but had only ever seen a handful of times: this tone, these eyes, this pain.  

jiwoo grasped at sooyoung's hand, holding the ends of her fingers, "don't ever meet that girl and you'll be fine, i promise." 

sooyoung pulled her hand away, body leaning towards the other end of the bench.

jiwoo reached for the girl's hand again, "that's really all i can tell you, you need to trust me." 

"how am i supposed to trust you when i don't know anything about you?" sooyoung stood to get away and jiwoo stood, too, but quickly sat back down, her head light.

"you've believed me this whole time, please just keep believing me." 

sooyoung stood there for a moment in the dark, looking down at a woman she thought she knew or would come to know. all of the shreds of familiarity were slowly being stripped away, cut loose by shards of lies and uncertain intentions. this was it. sooyoung didn't want anything else from this woman, yet there was something about her that she couldn't bring herself to loath. 

"if i had any other heart," -- she shoved her hands inside of her pockets and started to take steps backwards -- "i think i'd hate you." with that, sooyoung left. 

jiwoo sat, lips moving but no words coming out. she tried to stand, but couldn't. the moments where she watched sooyoung walk away, through the cold and dark park to an orange-lit side street, she was sure they were hours and not seconds. 

"ha sooyoung!" she shouted, finally, but didn't have enough strength to run after the girl. sooyoung didn't turn around or even flinch. within seconds, she was out of jiwoo's view. 

the bracelet on her wrist started beeping and showed a symbol she recognized. she had only ever seen it during orientation and, like the others, was trained to come back immediately if it was shown.  

she ignored it until a few hours later, wanting to saver the last of november's air: the air that her past self was enjoying, too, blissfully unaware of the future awaiting her. it was the air where both sooyoung and jiwoo weren't together. it was the air that she had longed for. 

the future was just as she remembered it, but no trace of sooyoung. all of her things, and all of the things that they've collected together over the years, were missing in their -- no, her -- apartment. in their place were odd knick-knacks and the like, things that jiwoo wasn't sure when or why she collected them. 

she sat on the couch, letting the fear, the rage, the sadness overtake her. 

she now had no regrets.

it was a few weeks later, the school semester was slowly coming to a close. exams were sneaking up and sooyoung hadn't heard anything from jiwoo since that night. 

"but you met with her almost every week, and she hasn't shown up in how long? three?" it was lunch again -- one of the good days -- and haseul was shoving her face like usual. she liked to get out of the cafeteria early to go sing songs with the other girls before class. 

sooyoung was poking at her tofu, watching the bright fluorescent lights above glisten off of it's skin. she wasn't all that hungry today, or any other day the past few weeks. "it's not just that. she hasn't even texted or called me back." 

"you had a fight, that's normal," haseul was scraping at all the scraps of the seasoned fried chicken still left on her tray, catching all the leftover sauce with her spoon and then going in for the rest of her rice. "i hope she shows up before the exams, though. i miss her."  

"me too." 

three weeks went by: it was late december. the final bell rang and the next time sooyoung stepped into her school, she'd be ready to graduate. 

sooyoung was waiting in the snow at her bus stop and the led sign said it was still ten minutes away. the 320 -- a bus that went up to daewon girl's high school -- was pulling up, though. 

why the woman had been so frantic and begging sooyoung to never see the other kim jiwoo stayed with her. she could still feel the other's hand holding onto her fingers and still hear the words 'don't ever meet that girl and you'll be fine, i promise.' 

she'd often reminisce in the moments they had made and found herself to miss the woman she came to know as kim jiwoo, a lie or not. there was a type of comfort shared between them that sooyoung couldn't put words to. 

jiwoo's sudden disappearance didn't help, either. sooyoung got onto the 320.

seven stops later and she tapped her bus card as she got off, the old ladies pushing past her in a rush to get to warmth as a crunch of sloshed snow sounded beneath their feet. 

there was a girl with reddish hair and curled bangs standing at the stop. it was kim jiwoo. she had her backpack in front of her and was digging through the pockets for something. she was too focused, nose scrunched and tongue curled, to notice that bits and pieces were falling out of her stuffed bag. 

"hey," sooyoung picked up a glove and a folded sticky note, holding them both in her hand. "you dropped this." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading to the end! i did not expect this hoard of cliches to gather so many views, so i really appreciate the love. i already have a few other projects in mind, so i hope to be back soon! in the mean time, if you'd like to be friends, here is my writing twitter: [_0222fm](https://twitter.com/_0222fm)
> 
> take care,  
> fizz


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